Stephen! Just Coming!

Although summer might be drawing to a close, some things still bring a smile to my face – like the return of Adam and Joe to their 6 Music show on Saturday morning, or more specifically in my case, their wonderfully funny podcast, which is a one hour collection of the best bits. The only problem is the choice of where I listen to it, as there have been too many times when I have suddenly burst out laughing in public, leaving anybody near me convinced that they are in the presence of some kind of nutter.

Adam and Joe are Adam Buxton and Joe Cornish, a pair of polite, well-educated, slightly posh (late) thirtysomethings. They are two genuinely likeable personalities, whose humour is gentle, slightly zany and extraordinarily engaging. This double act exhibits an unforced charm, intellect and wit that few other performers possess. Their comedy is innovative, offbeat, sharp and deliciously subversive, even though there is no malice – naughty and nice. In short, Adam and Joe are just plain funny.

"Nobody mention the Hairy Cornflake"

Friends since school days, they have a terrific chemistry and are clearly comfortable in each other’s company. It’s clearly the Adam and Joe show – there are no ego trips. Although they sound disconcertingly similar, both being articulate, amusing and self-deprecating, there are obviously differences: Adam is shorter, sillier and sometimes has a beard; Joe is taller (a “man-giraffe”), drier and slightly forbidding. Theirs is an innocent world and they often talk about childhood memories or look at the world with the artlessness (and mischief) of youth.

After a period away from the limelight, last year they broke into the Big British Castle (BBC) to triumphantly re-emerge with the perfect Saturday morning show, which has the unique quality of Saturday mornings when you were a kid, capturing the excitement at being off school and the many possibilities offered by the weekend. The show is a pleasing mix of casual chat, silly voices, observations on pop culture and juvenile toilet humour and has been likened to listening in on a pub conversation between two extremely witty, frivolous and literate mates. It’s difficult to sum up, but essentially they talk rubbish about life, TV, films and music. Fun for all teenagers manqués and indeed manky teenagers, it’s the sound of men who should really know better, which will explain why it’s a source of constant joy and stupidity and makes the show addictive listening.

"A couple of prongs"

Some of their chats are pant-wettingly hilarious. When Joe spoke about the new series of Skins, he superbly summarised how in the first five minutes the director had tried to cram in every possible thing that might lure an irresponsible teenager to watch: “digital, skateboard, turd, spliff, text, trilby, swearing, indie rock, community police, ponce, pub, lady”. Equally good was his impression of Jools Holland, when he imagined him at home in the morning: “Wonderful bacon and eggs. Over here’s the cooker. You also have the toaster. This is my wife. Here’s my wife. My children. Get in the car. Brilliant. The car. Round of applause for the car”. They should also be applauded for coining terms like “idiothole” and “airborne toxic event” (take a guess).

The show has a couple of regular features, including Text the Nation, where our heroes choose a topic from their own experiences and get the listeners to, er, text in their anecdotes or ideas:

Text the nation, text, text the nation.

But I’m using e-mail. Is that a problem?

It doesn’t matter – TEXT!

Rather than aiming to provoke an angry reaction from the public, they prefer to encourage people to look at the quirky aspects of life. Recent themes have included bad interviews/auditions, strange things you do to cover up public embarrassment, t-shirt slogans that you would never see (“Home honey, I’m high”) and domestic annoyances. The podcast has added Retro Text the Nation, which recaps the previous week’s theme to allow listeners to the podcast to also contribute to the discussion:

I like to listen to Adam and Joe, but I listen to the podcast not the live show.

I used to feel acute frustration, cos’ I couldn't join in with Text the Nation.

But now my problems have disappeared, cos’ Retro Text the Nation's here.

And now my letter might be read out instead of thrown in the trash and forgotten about.

"Come on, it's not that bad"

Another recurring feature is Song Wars, where they use the Garageband application to write competing songs on the same subject, then invite the public to decide which one wins:

It's time for Song Wars, the war of the songs.

A couple of tunes by a couple of prongs.

Which will you vote for, which one is the best?

We're putting our songs to the listener test.

So check it out.

Normally, such comedy songs would stink out the place, but their compositions are so good that you can even purchase a compilation of the best ones on iTunes. The themes have included family-friendly erotica, revisited TV theme tunes, Kate Nash parodies, Quantum of Solace, internet piracy, Grazia magazine and, best of all, Adam’s Middle Class Festival Song with its razor-sharp dissection of the green welly brigade (“Load up the 4x4, it’s festival time/We’re stuffing the chill bag with nibbles and wine”). In the beginning, Joe won week after week, which seemed to genuinely upset Adam, but now the roles seem to have reversed. In fact, the show’s excellent jingles are mainly written by Adam.

Unlike most radio shows, they rarely have any celebrity guests plugging their latest product and indulging in banal, pointless conversations (step forward, Chris Moyles). Actually, the only celebrity I can remember making an appearance is Sir Roger Moore, which resulted in Joe corpsing on air, struck dumb by the presence of a living legend. The one famous artist they would dearly want on the show is David Bowie, but as that seems unlikely, they make do with a regular impression of the thin white duke (though it’s more like the laughing gnome).

"Adam is only half the man he used to be"

As with all great radio performers, they create a little world where the listener feels included and at home. Their knack is for building a sense of comradeship among their fans, like a club with a particularly loyal following. They make us feel better about our own weird little obsessions and self-delusions. Indeed, people who listen to the show live between 9 and 9.30 are known as “Black Squadron” in recognition of their ability to rise so early on a Saturday morning.

This also means there are lots of running gags, most notably the minor social phenomenon known as “Stephenage”, whereby listeners shout out “Stephen!” in a public place, hoping to identify other listeners who will reply “Just coming!” The origins of this nonsense lie in one of the Text the Nation stories on the juvenilia theme, when a listener recounted his youthful creation of a self-referential magazine depicting him as a superhero with the unlikely name of Stephen. The recounting of this story is among the funniest things I’ve ever heard.

Adam and Joe are improbable media darlings after their only shot at mainstream success, The Adam and Joe Show on Channel 4, fizzled out almost ten years ago, despite being one of the funniest things on television, stuffing more ideas and jokes into half-an-hour than most programmes do during their entire run. At a time when new laddism was almost inescapable, amongst other things they used to spoof Hollywood movies using soft toys. One other very humorous sketch involved Adam going to a supermarket, selecting products that had 20% free written on the packets, consuming just the “free” amount and then returning the packet to the shelf.

"Which one is the best? It's Joe"

Other TV appearances have included some excellent guest slots at Glastonbury, proving that not all presenters there are contractually obliged to annoy the hell out of the viewers like the clueless Reggie Yates, the fawning Zane Lowe and the insufferable Edith Bowman. However, these days they are better known for their work on the airwaves, having produced consistently astonishing radio ever since they started on XFM in 2005. Nobody could forget the riotous re-cap of R. Kelly’s mind-boggling “Trapped in the Closet” mini soap opera.

Incredibly, Adam and Joe are still as fresh and inventive as they were ten years ago. In fact, I think that they’ve actually got funnier as they’ve got older. Listening to their podcast, they are without doubt at the peak of their form, maybe because they are most comfortable in that medium. Radio suits them well, as they are given space to talk about whatever they want, so they can be a lot more relaxed and things can be more spontaneous and therefore funnier. Their brand of humour certainly works extremely well in that format, which may explain why they are more popular now than during their first flush of fame. As Joe said, “the thing we seem to get rewarded for is just when we’re being lazy and talking rubbish to each other”.

"Of course we can do zany"

Some may think that it’s a shame that television does not give more prominence to a couple of comics who speak eloquently and hilariously on pretty much any topic, but Adam and Joe’s original, intuitive whimsy is almost certainly beyond the intelligence of today’s commissioning editors, who are incapable of recognising comedy unless it’s accompanied by a fatuous catchphrase. As the great Stewart Lee said, “TV is run by twenty or thirty people who are insensitive to beauty, truth or thought in any form”. Sure, they deserve a bigger audience, but then they might be obliged to change in order to toe the corporate line. At the moment, they shoot the breeze without putting each other down, are not vicious and laugh as if they mean it. I for one would not want them to become a less amiable, charmless, more frantic version of themselves in order to fit in with the moron-fest on BBC3.

Adam and Joe have provided some of the funniest radio ever broadcast. In terms of podcasts, it doesn’t get any better than this. Their show is essential listening and will have you in stitches. Just don’t listen to it on the train or bus - unless you like people pointing at you.

Big Mouth Strikes Again

"For god's sake, turn it down"

Apparently The Chris Moyles Show is once again riding high in the radio ratings with 7.7 million people tuning in to listen to his moronic mumblings. That’s right, folks. There really are that many idiots in the country. If you ever wanted a statistic encapsulating the state of modern Britain, there you have it.

Of course, you could argue that “Moylesy”, as he is affectionately known by almost nobody, is bound to attract more listeners than anyone else, as he hosts the only show of its kind that is broadcast to the whole country (“national” in his cringe-inducing radio-speak) on “wonderful Radio 1” during the peak breakfast period.

I just don’t see the appeal, I really don’t. It’s the same old tired formula that has been hanging around like a bad smell since commercial radio began. Moyles and his “crew” will chat about what they did at the weekend, often involving some ghastly showbiz event. They will invariably make coarse remarks about some unfortunate celebrity, though if the same celebrity deigns to appear on the show, the approach will switch to major fawning. Moyles will verbally abuse any member of the public stupid enough to call in, using the humour of the playground, which may well be funny at school, but is just plain creepy from a 35 year old grown man. And, of course, there will be speculation on the size of producer Rachel’s breasts.

On and on and on, just like Groundhog Day, except never raising a smile, despite the presence of “Comedy Dave”, whose name is the only thing remotely amusing about him. As The Buzzcocks memorably sang, “Pretty girls, pretty boys/Have you ever heard your mummy scream/Noise annoys”. Maybe it’s the very ordinariness of the show that the listeners love ?

Moyles himself is a deeply unfunny man, though he did manage to hit the nail on the head with his own description of himself as “an egotistical, racist, homophobic, bigoted, sexist scumbag who surrounds himself with sycophants who laugh at his every word and agree with everything he says”. And they say you can’t believe what you read in the press.

"Mike Smash - or is it Dave Nice ?"

More often than not, Moyles proclaims himself The Saviour of Radio 1, which in his own mind is inextricably linked to his beloved ratings. He flails around swinging his arms like an attention-seeking beacon drawing the uneducated masses to his (substantial) bosom. Where the hell were Smashie and Nicey when this second-rate Dave Lee Travis impersonator first reared his ugly head ?

Annoyingly, this talentless oaf has somehow picked up an image of being a bit of a lad: an irreverent, plain-speaking, no-holds-barred rebel involved in numerous controversies, attracting many complaints to Ofcom. Surprisingly, these protests are (usually) not due to the vast sums paid to this belching bully, but are largely reserved for his old-fashioned (being kind) sense of humour.

His various misdemeanours include describing Polish people as prostitutes; offering to take Charlotte Church’s virginity when she turned sixteen; calling Victoria Beckham a whore; and describing the late, great John Peel as Kenny Everett-in-waiting, because “Kenny is dead and it’s only a matter of time before John pops his clogs”.

Probably the best examples, as they offer the most understanding of Moyles’ puerile sense of humour, involved Halle Berry, when the actress understandably took offence at his impersonation of a “big, fat, black guy” in the classic style of the Black and White Minstrels; and Will Young, whose birthday Moyles celebrated John Inman stylee by singing Young’s hits in a high-pitched effeminate voice, changing the lyrics to references on the singer’s sexuality. For god’s sake, why not start stroking Mrs. Slocombe’s pussy, so we can well and truly return to the 70s ?

"Chris Moyles - down with the kids"

Unfortunately for us, despite having a face for radio, Moyles has now branched out into television, launching Chris Moyles’ Quiz Night on Channel 4, where he comes across as little more than a belligerent drunk wallowing in his own ego. Maybe he forgot his early appearance on Never Mind The Buzzcocks in 1998, which pretty much saw the end of Moyles’ TV career before it had even begun. Looking nervous and awkward, the renowned funny man’s lousy performance lead to him becoming the brunt of much of presenter Mark Lamarr’s wit. Moyles proceeded to slag off the programme on his radio show, to which Lamarr replied, “That fat pig. I’d like to rip the apple out of his mouth and fucking slap him”.

For the recent re-launch of Buzzcocks, new host Simon Amstell made an unerring start, “Hello there and welcome to a brand new series. To make sure the tone of the show remains the same, I’ve got some jokes that Mark Lamarr left for me. Chris Moyles – he’s a bag of shit”.

Other television appearances included “X Factor: Battle of the Stars”, where his radio bravado was exposed as little more than a humourless shield, when he tugged his forelock to Cowell and Co in a desperate attempt to show that he was more than a karaoke king (he wasn’t). Obviously, in the back-scratching TV world, the favour has been more than repaid with Louis Walsh and the terrible Sharon Osbourne (wife of Ozzy, huge talent in her own right) being invited onto Moyles’ show all too often.

Moyles has also leapt onto the bandwagon of celebrity books, which sell by the truckload just because they have a famous person’s name on the jacket (My Booky Wook, anyone ?). In a recent TV show, comedian Stewart Lee savaged his efforts, noting that the sequel to The Gospel According to Chris Moyles, was called The Difficult Second Book, a title with “a degree of irony and self-awareness largely absent from the text”. Moyles, he told us, writes that he would like it to be seen as a great toilet book. “Ah, the vaulting ambition of the writer”, murmured Lee.

Moyles’ legions of fans would point to his “charidee” work, most notably when he hauled his fat carcass up Mount Kilimanjaro for Comic Relief. Bully for him, though I would point out that on the same climb the summit was also reached by the likes of Ronan Keating and two members of Girls Aloud.

In April this year, The Sun claimed that Moyles would be axed in September once he had become the breakfast show’s longest –serving host, over-taking fellow Radio 1 legends Tony Blackburn and Noel Edmonds. Unfortunately, the BBC was quick to deny those claims, so it looks like seven million people will continue to wake up next to the man they deserve. God help the rest of us.